


Onboarding

by CurlyAndQuote



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, xkcd 1812 (Onboarding)
Genre: Because luckily for you, Crack, Cursed Wi-Fi, Fluff, Free ice cream, I included the comic in the body of the text!, M/M, Pretty much Alex takes a job at a really weird company, Smiley face badges, Violation of the Law of Conservation of Matter and Energy, You don't need to have read XKCD to get this, yay!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-03-24
Packaged: 2018-10-09 21:35:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10422264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CurlyAndQuote/pseuds/CurlyAndQuote
Summary: Dear John,Hello! I have no clue why I’m writing you this, since we’re going to see each other (and hopefully do more than that, haha) in like three hours. But The Team promotes letter writing.So, this job is really great. Apparently, they didn’t know that I wasn’t an architect. They got me mixed up with Frank Lloyd Wright. I don’t know how that happened. Don’t ask me. But luckily, I’m not being fired, yay! Burr, who I am finding more tolerable, told me that Washington, the company head who everyone calls “dad”, told Jefferson to tell me that they think I’m “too nice” to fire. Also, I went to a work karaoke night, and I think that’s another reason why. They were all smitten with my singing voice. Don’t worry, I won’t ever leave you. But they’re trying to get me a contract with Disney. I asked them how they planned on doing that, and Wash said that “he has his ways.” Personally, I think he’s a [censored.] April Fools! Not about the Disney stuff, or the Frank Lloyd Wright stuff. But they’re not censoring my letters. They’re too nice to do that.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [My friend Newton who doesn't know how to pronounce "Lin-Manuel Miranda"](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=My+friend+Newton+who+doesn%27t+know+how+to+pronounce+%22Lin-Manuel+Miranda%22).



> Hi. I don't know why I did that.  
> I can't write RPF. Have this.

 

 

Alex strode down the streets of Brooklyn, quickly, doing the very model of the New York Walk. Internally cursing and questioning his life’s choices, he picked up his phone, and dialed,  **John <3** . It rang twice, and then his boyfriend picked up.

“Hey, Al-” He cut off his boyfriend.

“John, what the  _ hell? _ ”

“Uh, that’s a pretty open-ended question. What’s sparked your incredulity this time?”

“Okay. I want you to, uh, suspend your disbelief. Wait, no, not the phrase I was looking for. Bear with me here.”

“M-hm?”

“So, I got a strange call today.”

“Oh, no.”

“I was thinking ‘Ah, telemarketers.’ But they called me, like, eleven times. And then when I picked up finally to say ‘What the fuck do you want,’ they cut me off and were like, ‘Hi! Want to join our team?’ And I was like, ‘what the hell?’ And they told me, ‘We do business here, and we’ll turn to dirt later.”

“Excuse me?”

“I know! So I was like, who are these people, and then they told me an address. And stupidly, I went to the address.”

“Do I need to call the police?”

“No! I went to the campus. First thing I noticed was their free bikeshare system. Sounds pretty cool, right?  _ They weren’t their bikes!  _ They had been just, like, repossessed, and when I asked the guy, I think his name was Burr, stupid-ass name, right, giving me a tour- he was completely bald, by the way, thin as a stick, and he wore a fucking  _ beret-  _ he said, and I quote, ‘It’s a great system, at least until whoever owns the bikes finds out!’”

He gave an incredulous laugh.

“And then they continued the tour. And showed us the Technology Building. That was what it was called. The Technology Building. It had a state-of-the-art printer. Printing out something straight into a garbage can. I asked, ‘hey, what’s up with that?’ And Mr. Freeze-”

“Mr. Freeze?”

“Yeah, Burr, that’s what I started calling him, you should have seen him try to stay calm, his nose flared, it was really funny okay, but he told me, you’re not going to believe this, “Oh, yeah, it’s been printing an infinite-scroll website since 2013.”

“Are you shitting me?”

“I wish.” He stopped briefly to avoid tripping over what he hoped was a cat. “And then, later, I asked where the restroom was, and they showed me to a bathroom… and said, ‘All digital- no pipes!’ I’ve been holding it for seven hours. Tried to go on Tumblr to liveblog this- this surreal experience, and Burr warned me, ‘The WiFi is very fast, but cursed.’ I used up my data instead. And they took me further back inside the server room. It was roped off. I asked if I could look further back, and he told me that it was completely carbon-neutral but producing bismuth constantly!”

“Doesn’t that violate-”

“The Law of Conservation of Matter and Energy, yeah! Naturally I asked him that, and he shrugged! What is this shit?”

“Hold up, Alex.”

“Yeah?”

“What does this ‘team’ do? Like, what are they hiring you for?”

“Inconclusive.”

“Pardon?”

“Burr wouldn’t tell me. I had a bad feeling about it, so I asked him, ‘Why did you contact me in particular?’ And he said, ‘I was hoping you’d work on our architecture.’”

“But you’re-”

“Not an engineer. I know.”

“So why the hell did they want you?”

Alex shrugged, forgetting that John couldn’t see him. Then he said, “Of course, I didn’t  _ tell  _ him that I wasn’t an architect.”

“Alex, no.”

“Alex, yes. Guess how much they’re offering me per  _ month. _ ”

“Alex,  _ no. _ ”

“Two hundred thousand.”

“Ha ha, Alex. Still nine days to go until April Fool’s Day.”

“Personally, I prefer April 20th.”

“Alex.”

“I’m not kidding. I don’t know what kind of Night Vale shit this is, but obviously I took the job.”

John made a small whine, and Alex thought at first that he had stepped on another one of those “cats”. “You can’t do this.”

“Too late.”

“I-”

“John, please. Let’s just see how this works out.”

“You know what? I must be going crazy for saying this, but fine.”

“Yay!” Alex sounded like a five-year-old. “Also, team members get smiley face badges and ice cream.” Scratch that. Alex  _ was _ an actual five-year-old.

 

One Week Later

April 1, 2017

Dear John,

Hello! I have no clue why I’m writing you this, since we’re going to see each other (and hopefully do more than that, haha) in like three hours. But The Team promotes letter writing.

So, this job is really great. Apparently, they didn’t know that I wasn’t an architect. They got me mixed up with Frank Lloyd Wright. I don’t know how that happened. Don’t ask me. But luckily, I’m not being fired, yay! Burr, who I am finding more tolerable, told me that Washington, the company head who everyone calls “dad”, told Jefferson to tell me that they think I’m “too nice” to fire. Also, I went to a work karaoke night, and I think that’s another reason why. They were all smitten with my singing voice. Don’t worry, I won’t ever leave you. But they’re trying to get me a contract with Disney. I asked them how they planned on doing that, and Wash said that “he has his ways.” Personally, I think he’s a [censored.] April Fools! Not about the Disney stuff, or the Frank Lloyd Wright stuff. But they’re not censoring my letters. They’re too nice to do that.

Apparently, I’m costing the company tons of money. Not because they wrongly hired me, and are paying me more than a surgeon’s salary, but because I’m eating more than my weight in the free ice cream.

Hope you’ll come out and see the campus some day!

Love and kisses, Alexander the Top Team Member

  1. S. I mentioned you and they said “ooh, we need a software developer! See if he wants to be hired!” I did say that you weren’t a software developer, and had never touched Java (other than the mornings that I’m too tired to make my own) but they just said, “Regardless.”




End file.
